The house is so quiet. The almost subliminal tick-tocking of the kitchen clock. The distant oceanic rumble of semi-trucks on the interstate. The self-adjusting creaks and thumps of the 48-year-old home settling into its footprint. So rare, such a quiet house.
It looks like this practicing of conscious awareness, of changing habits, is going to take some, well, practice. Mornings are easiest -- all my anxieties seems to be set back to zero by a night's sleep. It seems I need at least three hours, maybe that first deepest dream period, to wake up feeling rested enough to have a more positive outlook on things than what I might have been feeling the night before. Then the habit of focusing on food and eating, dwelling on it, starts sometimes as early as noon. Gets worse as the day goes on, particularly if I don't just give in and pig out at some restaurant. Evenings, no matter what had happened during the day, no matter what I'd eaten already, and even if I'm already stuffed from a big dinner or whatever, I start to think of snacking. And the later I stay up, the stronger, more dire, the need becomes.
My going to restaurants and my snacking habits are my way of zoning out, or deadening, or distracting myself from the stress and anxiety that increases gradually throughout the day. Even good days. Feeling the need to eat later in the day is such a habit that the quality of the day doesn't matter anymore. As soon as it gets to be mid-afternoon, thoughts of food start interfering with whatever I'm doing. I was a member of SMART Recovery a couple of years ago, for food addiction, and from what I heard from other members, mostly alcoholics, my issues with food are so similar to their issues with alcohol that it doesn't surprise me at all that the new studies are saying that large amounts of sugar, fat, and salt are addictive.
Some of them would mention how they would have to stop at a bar or restaurant on their way home from work and drink. Well, I also would not be able to stop myself from going to a restaurant, not to drink alcohol, but to eat fries or nachos. My mouth would so crave the stuffing and chewing that a couple of times, when I was trying to stop myself, I almost starting chewing on my own tongue. Why some people use alcohol and some use food, I don't know.
For a while, I not only snacked to ease anxiety, I smoked cigarettes as well. I was a two-pack-a-day smoker. I could change the strength of the cigarettes (anything from Mores to Barclays with all the holes in the filter) but not the number, always two packs a day. So I was using two very unhealthy coping mechanisms.
About seven years ago, as the evening came on, I realized I only had $5 to spend (why I only had $5 available to me is another story). With that, I could either get one pack of cigarettes or some snacks at 7-11. I'm one of those people who have to have both salty and sweet snacks at the same time, so I was thinking of a Big Grab of chips and Hostess cupcakes. Either the smokes or the snacks.
I had successfully quit smoking twice before -- one time using nicotine gum, and another time quitting cold turkey for 'love' -- whatever works, right? But, like many people, I picked it back up and had been smoking again for several years. I struggled with this $5 dilemma for at least an hour, at one point holding my almost empty cigarette pack in one hand and my $5 bill in the other trying to decide between smoking and eating.
It was excrutiating! Both activities felt necessary, like some horrible thing would happen if I couldn't smoke, if I couldn't pig out. I would die! Back and forth, and back and forth, I went between the two. I was also trying desperately to figure out how to have both, but I couldn't. It was one or the other. The intensity of the struggle was shocking to me. Why was this so hard?
Well, even though smoking cigarettes is considered one of the hardest addictions to quit, so much so that some people smoke while fighting lung cancer or through the holes in their necks, I chose the snacks. That's how important it is for me to eat fat, salt, and sugar. When I finally made that decision, I swore to myself that I would never put myself through that hell again. I even crushed my last two cigarettes because I wanted to go get my snacks right away, and I knew that if I smoked after I ate, I would need to keep smoking.
So I quit smoking cold turkey for the second time. Didn't smoke for years. Now I occasionally bum a cigarette in rare situations, but it doesn't grab me like it used to. Like Spencer referencing Millman in The Craft of the Warrior, an action can be indulged in once in a while if it's done with conscious awareness; It's the habit of actions, the mindlessness, that cause us trouble.
Sometimes when I start to beat up on myself for not being able to stop snacking, I remember that night and the choice I made. Keeping in mind just how strong my compulsion is to snack, stronger than smoking, helps me treat myself with gentleness, compassion, and patience.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
Going good so far
So, last week, I was reading The Craft of the Warrior and got through the chapter on habits, beliefs, and truth and the chapter on Self-Importance. The thing is, I'm 51, very overweight (I hate the phrase morbidly obese -- sounds way too...morbid), starting to feel that if I don't stop gaining and start getting healthier, something irreversible is going to happen.
For the last couple of years, I've made some great progress in other areas of my life, my confidence and my opportunities are increasing, but my weight and my eating habits and self-beliefs are almost as old as me, and they're really starting to undermine my new life. I know that special diets would reduce the weight itself, but if my habits and beliefs don't change, the weight will just come back. And big fluctuations in weight is worse than just staying heavy.
Since I read those chapters last week, I haven't been to a restaurant. Well, since last Friday, I think. It's been either restaurants or snacks -- I was rarely eating my main meals at home. I didn't even leave the house Saturday or Sunday (very unusual), but I did succumb Saturday night to a box of brownie mix I found on the top shelf of the cupboard. But Sunday, I didn't eat anything that was overtly unhealthy, and what I did eat, I did not eat mindlessly.
Being consciously aware of myself takes an amazing amount of time and energy. But I do have to say, that since I did not eat a huge amount of fat, salt, or sugar yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling...lighter. Yay!!
It's a game between two aspects of myself -- the part of me that has learned to eat snack foods to both deal with stress and anxiety, hurt and anger, and to celebrate good times, too; and the part of me that wants to not be so uncomfortable all the time, to sleep better, think better, do all the things I now want to do, and to just have more energy, period.
I was amazed and surprised at how creative the first self was this last weekend, trying all sorts of arguments and dire warnings to get myself to give in (like I had been doing so easily before). But this time, I was able to withstand the tide of urgings and temptations, because I was conscious of what was happening.
I've been working on myself all my life, and most intensely this past year. I'm proud of myself for sticking with it, getting up every time I've fallen back, and the Universe has been more than willing to help me by presenting me with the resources I needed when I needed them. A couple of people have been critical in their support of me, but what's really amazing is that, all of a sudden, I'll have the urge to go to Goodwill and look at the books. What I need to read right then is right there. The Craft of the Warrior, obviously, and also The Hero Within, have been two of the most influential and helpful.
For the last couple of years, I've made some great progress in other areas of my life, my confidence and my opportunities are increasing, but my weight and my eating habits and self-beliefs are almost as old as me, and they're really starting to undermine my new life. I know that special diets would reduce the weight itself, but if my habits and beliefs don't change, the weight will just come back. And big fluctuations in weight is worse than just staying heavy.
Since I read those chapters last week, I haven't been to a restaurant. Well, since last Friday, I think. It's been either restaurants or snacks -- I was rarely eating my main meals at home. I didn't even leave the house Saturday or Sunday (very unusual), but I did succumb Saturday night to a box of brownie mix I found on the top shelf of the cupboard. But Sunday, I didn't eat anything that was overtly unhealthy, and what I did eat, I did not eat mindlessly.
Being consciously aware of myself takes an amazing amount of time and energy. But I do have to say, that since I did not eat a huge amount of fat, salt, or sugar yesterday, I woke up this morning feeling...lighter. Yay!!
It's a game between two aspects of myself -- the part of me that has learned to eat snack foods to both deal with stress and anxiety, hurt and anger, and to celebrate good times, too; and the part of me that wants to not be so uncomfortable all the time, to sleep better, think better, do all the things I now want to do, and to just have more energy, period.
I was amazed and surprised at how creative the first self was this last weekend, trying all sorts of arguments and dire warnings to get myself to give in (like I had been doing so easily before). But this time, I was able to withstand the tide of urgings and temptations, because I was conscious of what was happening.
I've been working on myself all my life, and most intensely this past year. I'm proud of myself for sticking with it, getting up every time I've fallen back, and the Universe has been more than willing to help me by presenting me with the resources I needed when I needed them. A couple of people have been critical in their support of me, but what's really amazing is that, all of a sudden, I'll have the urge to go to Goodwill and look at the books. What I need to read right then is right there. The Craft of the Warrior, obviously, and also The Hero Within, have been two of the most influential and helpful.
Greetings
Howdy. I'm always surprised at how long it takes to make decisions sometimes. It took much longer than it probably should have to set up this blog the way I wanted it. And I'll probably change it again anyway.
The reason I started this blog is because I'm beginning a difficult phase of my personal journey, and it is going to take so much concentration that I'm reducing my distractions and activities drastically, and that includes spending time talking with friends. Having fun is not my goal right now.
But I do want to keep a record of this process, and share what I'm doing, because maybe something I go through, or an insight I have, or a book that has changed my life, might help someone else on their journey. You never know.
The reason I started this blog is because I'm beginning a difficult phase of my personal journey, and it is going to take so much concentration that I'm reducing my distractions and activities drastically, and that includes spending time talking with friends. Having fun is not my goal right now.
But I do want to keep a record of this process, and share what I'm doing, because maybe something I go through, or an insight I have, or a book that has changed my life, might help someone else on their journey. You never know.
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